This often isn’t the case, but your partner’s energy levels and interest in sex might wax and wane with their mood. Around 5% of the world’s population of adults is currently struggling with depression. Many of these people are undiagnosed — and many who are diagnosed aren’t able to get the care they need for this common mental illness.
It can take time to recover from a depressive episode — they won’t just snap out of it. At the same time, just accepting this is the way things are isn’t helpful either. So, try to exercise patience and continual encouragement toward things that are helpful and therapeutic. Consider learning all you can about the type of depression your partner has and its symptoms. This can help you understand your partner better and have a better idea of how to support them. Of course, being in a relationship with someone who’s living with depression may not feel like it was ever a choice.
It’s important as well to recognize that you aren’t responsible for how your partner is feeling, and their depression isn’t a reflection of you or your relationship, Birkel adds. This is why it’s important, again, to encourage and support them in getting help from a therapist or other mental health professional. Try to accept your partner’s choices regarding treatment. Perhaps you’ve dealt with the mental illness, or maybe this isn’t your first time dating a partner who struggles to manage mental health. Here is what to know about how to respond and what to think in the following situations.
But there are ways you can keep your relationship moving in a positive direction. Living with depression is challenging, and so is dating someone with depression. But knowing what to look for — along with some do’s and don’ts — can help.
Support their purpose.
I knew it was her secret, but not telling anyone also meant not asking for help. We had one mutual friend who lived closer to her, but still an hour drive away. I remember one night sitting on my porch texting our friend, trying to call my girlfriend, and mentally preparing myself to call the police if she didn’t pick up. The next morning, she apologized for what had happened, and she asked if I’d like to see her scars. Either I say no and feel disconnected to her, or I say yes and know just how far this had gone.
Your partner might not want to go out all the time
Depression can make it tough to do even the things you really want to do, and your partner may not always feel up to following through with plans. You can still extend compassion and healthy support in any number of ways. And yet, it took me two weeks for me to finally end things. She knew it was coming, but tried to do whatever it would take to keep me with her, including sending me a note thanking me for saving her life that night.
It’s also worth remembering you don’t have to stay home yourself unless you want to keep them company when they need support. Otherwise, sticking with your original plans can help you avoid frustration and resentment, so it’s often a better choice for your own mental health. If your partner enhances your life in a way no one else does, don’t let a diagnosis of depression deter you from having a relationship with them. Dating someone with depression isn’t always a smooth ride — but with patience and communication, these relationships can be just as healthy and rewarding as any other. Depression doesn’t always look like what you see in the media. A person who suffers from depression isn’t always acting sad, lying in bed, or talking about death (though they might be — and if they are, you should take them seriously and get help).
But it doesn’t have to be the downfall of your relationship, and you can make it work with acceptance, compassion, and your own attention to self-care. As the two of you figure out what changes can be made to help alleviate some of the depressive symptoms, be patient and understanding, with them and yourself. It’s important to note that someone with depression should not be seeking a therapist in their partner. Encourage them to get help, whether through support groups, a therapist or psychologist, or even a life coach. They can feel like they’ve lost the person they fell in love with, to the point of questioning whether they can stay in the relationship, Birkel adds.
Both depression itself and antidepressant medications can lead to low libido, so don’t be surprised if your partner isn’t up for getting down. Don’t guilt-trip your partner or pressure them into having sex when they don’t feel like it, says Abigael San, D.Clin.Psy, a London-based psychologist. “Make it known that the sexual relationship is not the most important part of things,” she says. You might be able to convince your partner to get treatment.
Not everything can be blamed on depression
“It can be easy to hide behind a screen, and that can exacerbate ,” says San. By making a point of meeting in person, you can help fight those feelings of detachment your S.O. About 16.2 million adults have dealt with a major depressive episode at least once, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.
You’re a partner not a mental health professional — you can’t “fix” their depression. What you can do, however, is help them find the resources that might help. To best care for your partner, your relationship, and yourself, it’s a good idea to know and be able to recognize the symptoms of depression.
I had come up with cover stories in case people asked, and I always wore a happy face so no one could tell anything was wrong. Don’t tell your partner what they’re doing wrong and how a few simple changes like exercising more, eating better, or getting hookupgenius.com/ fresh air will make things better. Those things may indeed help, but they aren’t likely to fix things. Don’t think there’s something you can say to make everything change. Depression isn’t fixed with a few simple words or even sage advice.
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